It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
