Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
