she kept yelling 'call me bella'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
50% drunk capacity currently
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
