i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
