what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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