Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
