Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
