I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
