my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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