Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
