I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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