i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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