Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
