im drinking this country out of the recession.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
