you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
