How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
