i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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