don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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