Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
