I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
