There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
