He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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