Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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