You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
