how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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