I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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