Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
