I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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