Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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