Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
