She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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