GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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