Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
