If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
