I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
