got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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