I CAN MOONWALK!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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