True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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