i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
