The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
