you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
