Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
