I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
