toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
