You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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