first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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