when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
