either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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