my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
