So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Someone signed my nipple.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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