I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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