when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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