I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
