Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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