6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
40s are totally the cure
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize